What gives? Didn't I tell you not to open things in a new tab? You're making me cry.

I'm crying right now. The tears are seeping into the crevices between my keyboard keys, making it harder for me to type. Are you happy? Is this what you wanted?

Leave this place.


Triggering content will be spoilered.


Many things have happened in the past 4 months.

I got into Nijisanji (again?), and my oshi is Vezalius Bandage. Kyo Kaneko and Saiki Ittetsu are my other oshis!

I also went to the engagement party of one of the girls I trained! It was supposed to start at 7, so I drove immediately after work to there, but we didn't get to eat dinner until 11. I left before they even cut the cake.

It is my Birthday today, and I had a family party 2 days ago, and today I had lunch with my coworkers. I got some soap, a necklace, hair accessories, nail polish, a pyjama set, PC parts, Cipher volume 5, and the Kusuriuri figure that I wanted for years!!!!

I also gave a supa to Zali lol, and he said Happy Birthday to me TuT.

I have been working at the office for 10 months now, so in 12 months, I can try to get certified. Not really sure about what I want to do in the future.


Turkic Wedding

I can't believe I forgot to write this diary entry- I went to the wedding with Anrakyr!

First, the story of the dress. I didn't have any dresses to wear that were fit for a wedding, so I went with Anrakyr to Rich Man's Corner (affluent area near me) to buy a dress from the mall. We went to Macy's which is the most low end store in the mall, but even that place was too expensive. The dresses weren't to my liking either.

We went to many places in that mall, but even though it's a rich people's mall, we didn't like any of the clothes there. We ended up going to a thrift shop where I found the perfect dress.

This dress was dark green, long, modest enough, and it was made in Vietnam. It was also an adult size 12, but it fit me perfectly?! This dress came from a brand that sells dresses for $300-$1000, but I found it at this thrift shop for only $35. I also found Degrassi season 1 DVDs there, but that's irrelevant.

The wedding itself was very nice. There was a lot of traditional Turkish and Uyghur dancing which was very fun! I drank a lot of cranberry juice.

The absolute best part of the catering was the kebab guy. There was a guy cooking kebabs outside wearing sunglasses, and the kebabs were delicious. He doesn't even have a restaurant, he just makes kebabs as a passion.



There's some work stories that I never wrote about because they just piled up and overwhelmed me.

I managed to speak Korean to a patient once who wouldn't understand that I am not a Korean person and I can't speak fluently. She kept asking about her appointment but got confused when I told her that she isn't on our schedule and there are no Korean employees here lel.

Then there's this woman who kept calling my office to avoid talking to my trainee in the other office, calling her an "unprofessional, nasty woman" even though she didn't do anything wrong. She kept begging for weeks to talk to the doctor on the phone about her no show fee, and the doctor never budged.

The patient who told me to kiss her behind when I tried to help her out and make a "secret" appointment.... Splendid.

Besides work, I made a big plan that might happen this weekend. I am very excited about it, and I will lose a lot from it if it works out, but I will also gain a lot.


Losing My Mind

So much happened at work this month that made me want to write.... but I could never sit down to write it because it was too much.

I'm going to a wedding with Anrakyr in two days, and I'm very excited for it. It's going to be our first formal event.

Last week, we went shopping together so that I could get a dress and he could get a jacket. We went to Rich Man's Corner (affluent city near me) and could not afford anything even at the Macy's. The clothes at that mall sucked anyways, so neither of us found anything we wanted.

After we left the mall, we went to a thrift store in the adjacent city, and Anrakyr found two nice jackets. Even more surprising was that I found a dress that was perfect for me. It is deep green and fits me perfectly. It's strange because it's an adult size 12, and I normally wear something close to size 0.

I also found a Degrassi season 1 DVD set which was pretty funny since I was looking specifically for Degrassi and obviously not expecting to actually find it there.

Oh I also released another Touhou arrange, so listen to it!



TW sex stuff, TMI. Sorry, this one will be a difficult read compared to the normal stuff I write about.

Read More

He tried to force it in over and over again today, and it didn't work, as usual. It hurt, as usual. It was a stabbing, searing, burning pain, as usual. It's my "practice", every time we hang out. Something has to attempt to enter me every time we see each other until I can get him in, but I know it's never going to happen until I either get through a certain point in therapy or I can safely see a doctor.

He said his friends' partners felt pain during their first time, and it was something we would just have to deal with / get over with / overcome / conquer. I just have to experience this pain, and I need to be able to engage in this kind of intimacy, he says. Every time we practice, I space out and just pretend I'm not there. I kept a straight face after he said this even though it sounded so gross. When it was over, I was okay and relieved.

I called him crying when I got home just to make sure he knew that I have a medical condition and this is not normal. If he had the excuse "I didn't know" before, he definitely knows now. This is not how it is for normal people. I had to get drill into his skull before he starts blaming me for things I can't control.

"You seemed fine afterwards." Yes, because the pain was over for the day. I was relieved I would not have to feel that anymore.

I FEAR hanging out with him every time because I know it'll happen again. and again. and again. and it won't stop until it goes in. and it won't stop after that.



This is just a random thought I had.

I kind of envy people who can make each page of their website have a different layout and theme. "Sameness" is something I need for my website because it's easier for me to navigate pages with a similar layout, and I like knowing exactly where things will be.

I guess it is related to the way I need to repeat things like listening to the same songs over and over again. Is it me valuing "sameness", or is it me valuing "predictability"?


Fake ID

This happened a few days ago and it still makes me laugh. One of our potential patients submitted a blurry fake ID and had the gall to request suboxone through video call. No.

The ID photo was poorly photoshopped on, and the smaller image which is normally greyscale was in colour in the submitted image. The information on the actual card was whited out, and the guy typed his own information on top, including his signature in an italic cursive font. He used the same font on the signature on the back of the card, but the back signature did not include a middle name while the front signature did.

I trained an MA in the other office for like two weeks, and she asked me if she should upload the guy's ID photo since it's blurry. Girlfriend. The ID is fake.


Work Party

Today was my coworker's birthday, and we threw a mini party. The doctor bought us all lunch and a tiramisu cake that was really good.

We shared the lunch break with the guys from the dentist. It was a heartwarming time. We will have a smaller mini party tomorrow with the nurse.

When I got home today, I got some manga mail. It was the full set of Hi Izuru Tokoro no Tenshi's 1994 print, and it came in great condition considering its age! I am very excited to finish this series. Soon, I will also get the full set of Cipher volumes in the same bunkobon format. That one I got a great deal on- 8 volumes for $16 shipped!


100 Gecs

Literally nothing has happened since my last update.

Anrakyr and I went on a date to a 100 gecs concert last week, my first concert since Miku Expo in 2018! This concert was held in the same venue which was interesting.

100 gecs played with Fever Ray and Machine Girl. I like Machine Girl, but unfortunately, I don't think they're good at performing live. The sound just doesn't translate well in live performances. 100 gecs was awesome though, and they played many songs that I like including xXXi_wud_nvrstøp_ÜXXx.

There were mosh pits, and even though I didn't participate in them, I did get aggressive with some guys who did not respect the personal space of the other concertgoers.

The week before the concert, I went to Springfield (LOL) to train a new MA. It was interesting getting to train someone again, and I just want to memoralize something the doctor told me that I thought was cute and very unlike him: "Please make her as good as you".


Medical Assistance

I got the job, and I have been working for 3 weeks now! I really like working as a medical assistant, and my work environment is incredibly good. The doctor, nurse, and other MAs are really nice and friendly, and they let us vent freely because we all need it LMAO. I'm a fully employed person now, so that's fun. I like working a lot, and I'm not being held at gunpoint by my boss right now.

I have been slowly adding to my Mononoke collection. I still am in love with this anime even after 7 years. I never get tired of analyzing every one of its details, and I still feel like more than half of it is still unexplored.

I'm also still playing mahjong.... I'd like to get a real set someday.

For Valentine's Day, I had hot pot in a triple date. Anrakyr and I ended up mixing the same horrible sauce LOL. It was good because it felt like eating fancier versions of home food. I love coagulated pig's blood, and I think everyone else was kind of spooked by the amount I ordered. Only one other guy ate any of it with me, and one girl tried a piece.


Pure Black Studs

Body mod update: I got my lobes pierced lmao and I got the same jewelry that He Tian gave to Mo Guan Shan in 19 Days, titanium bezeled onyx cabochons. My piercer said that my rook looks happy and asked if it has been healing for a few years which means I'm doing something right!

I am going to get trained and most likely hired for my first postgrad job as a medical assistant next week! I will use my New Year money to buy some professional clothes to wear.

I feel like I'm forgetting something even more important that I was gonna write about, the thing this entire diary entry was supposed to focus on. I'm so perplexed. Whatever.

I REMEMBER NOW! I've been getting back into playing Mahjong because of Naki no Ryuu and seeing Jian Yi Lunar New Year art with a mahjong tile. I love this game.


Moss Saw My Grad Cap

Someone posted my 19 Days grad cap video on Weibo and tagged Old Xian and Moss. Moss, Old Xian's boss and the owner of Mosspaca Studio, saw it and shared it three times! It currently has 162k views on Weibo and 42k views on Tiktok.

Rook update: It looks the same as it did before, and it's now at 13 months healing. I took off the end on the top to remove the crusty buildup that just Won't Come Off, and so it is angry again. I hope it doesn't remain irritated when I wake up tomorrow morning. It's been very well behaved the entire year.

I decided instead of getting a conch piercing, I'd get my lobes pierced to allow my rook to heal before getting any other cartilage pierced. For initial lobe jewelry, I want to get bezel set onyx cabochons that look like Mo Guan Shan's earrings!



A lot happened in the past two days.

On Wednesday, I unknowingly worked my last day at the office. The girl who was supposed to take the shift after mine didn't show up, and I found out an hour later that she is home for the holidays and didn't find coverage. Luckily, I didn't have anything better to do, so I was able to stay for three hours after my shift to cover for her and get her money.

On this last day, I shared some Good Soup with my beloved coworker, smack talked our less responsible coworkers, and we threw a graduation walk for me since I wasn't going to be able to walk at the graduation ceremony.

I also explored an underground tunnel with Anrakyr that was way shorter than I expected, but it was still fun because I was afraid of getting in trouble. We actually got caught by someone I assume was a professor, and he greeted us casually before asking "Are you kids scared?" It was pretty funny.

Then the unbelievable thing happened. I actually went to the graduation ceremony, and during the US National Anthem, the videographers cut to a closeup shot of my 19 Days themed graduation cap. During the song, they only showed my cap and no one else's. Before the ceremony, they had cut to my cap and most of the other decorated caps in the crowd, and apparently, they chose to focus on mine during the National Anthem. I think that's a hilarious win for the fandom.



My Birthday was earlier this week. I got one of those teeth whitening mold things as a gift, inspired by my invisalign find. I'm gonna make jewelry out of it and prank Anrakyr.

Also, I found another invisalign in front of a pharmacy yesterday?? Just laying on the ground. It might be my good luck charm.

Also, I found out my credit substitutions went in, so I /should/ be able to graduate. I already bought the cap and gown. If I still can't graduate, I'm gonna be quite peeved.



I went to a mall today to visit Anrakyr while he was at work watching over a store. When I was going to leave his store to look around the rest of the mall, I found someone's invisalign for one of their rows of teeth on the floor right outside the store. I kicked it into the store and showed it to him, to which he tried to convince me to let him throw it away. He said I shouldn't keep it because it was dirty.

That kind of item is hard to come by though, and I wanted to make it my treasure. He and I left the store to throw the thing away, and I noticed the piece for the other row of teeth was also on the floor. I ushered him back into the store and picked up the other piece. I think I'll make it into a necklace or a hanging decoration.


I'm Not Graduating

The title is kind of a lie. The status of my application is just unknown right now. I'm feeling good about my classes except for virology, but at this point, I don't care much more as long as I can graduate.

I've been dealing with emotional and physical trauma that reemerged after I started reading 19 Days again and started working on my latest animation class project. I was afraid of possibly getting reported for my animation because of its contents (university policy), but after having a good talk with my professor, we came up with ideas to separate the animation from myself to avoid the need to report anything. She is really good to me.


Uyghur Dinner Date

I had a double date with Anrakyr and our two friends, one of which is Uyghur. I think it's hilarious how 3/4 of us are Turkic and very white passing (I am the very visibly Asian one) while they were making white people jokes.

I had some pearled noodles, korma chop, and chocolate baklava. It was all very good!


International Spy Museum

For Anrakyr and my 3 year anniversary, we went to the International Spy Museum! Unfortunately there were so many people there that we couldn't fully enjoy the experience or mess with the undercover games, but it was still interesting to experience.

Before we were allowed in, we had to kill 2 hours without driving anywhere because he already paid $16 for parking, so we went to a little mall in the area. It was like a dead mall, but a sucky version of a dead mall. Nothing like the dead malls Dan Bell films. There were many empty stores, display windows used to advertise for other run down stores in the mall that were having storewide clearance sales and were all closed. Most of the mall was vacant or closed, and half of the food court was closed.

After we went there, we visited the Smithsonian Castle where we bought matching rings, and we went to the Hirshorn Museum where they had an art exhibit. Both were great!

The last memorable thing we did before going to the Spy Museum was eating food truck hotdogs. That really was the highlight of the trip for me, not because the rest sucked bad but because I love the raw joy we shared when we enjoyed our hotdogs. We went back to the same truck afterward for him to get a blue shaved ice and for me to get a pink smoothie.



I've been working a lot on schoolwork, specifically for my animation and ecoart classes. I overworked myself on my animation, losing sleep and time to do other schoolwork, and I ended up making a project that my professor admitted was "A+, final project" level work. She gave me permission to never do that to myself again LMAO.

Because of all the time I put into my animation, I crammed for my exams this week. Surprisingly, I did well on my biotech exam, and now I just have my virology exam to go. I've been transcribing all my notes to special pages on this website to help me study and to populate my website's biology section at the same time!

Not related to studies, but here are some body mod (?) updates. My rook has been healing for 10 months now, and it hasn't been irritated or infected since that awful time in May. I'm thinking about getting my conch pierced for my Birthday with a really pretty green sapphire trillion end that my local piercing studio has in stock.

Now.... I did a mini scarification on myself. I scratched Jian Yi's name (见一) on myself with a needle, and it surprisingly hasn't gone away yet. It's just scabbing right now, and I'm waiting for it to peel off. I think it'd look really cute if it became a scar, but I think it'll head back to normal since it is a small thing on the surface of my skin.


19 Days

I have a new hyperfixation.

I'm still keeping up with Mononoke news, but I have shifted my focus on 19 Days. The manhua. I caught up to it now, and I started getting into it again right before Jian Yi got into a fight with She Li. I want to add 19 Days to this website, but I don't know where to put it.

[EDIT 9/23/22]: I have a 19 Days shrine now. I also bought the 19 Days anthology, the 19 Days first volume, and Old Xian's second art book. I am in love.



A bunch of items I ordered a while ago came at the same time today.

I got a little Mononoke haul. I got two manga volumes that were being sold for cheap, and I got a booklet that was included with a limited edition DVD release. I wonder why the booklet was separated from the DVD. I want to try translating the booklet because there is a lot of text in it. Now with these two new manga volumes, I am only missing both Bakeneko arc volumes. Too bad one of the books is selling for over $100.

I also got an LG Ice Cream Smart flip phone in the minty blue colour! It's a refurbished Chinese model, not the Korean model. I want to make it Kusuriuri themed, so I bought a magatama phone charm in Kusuriuri's kimono colours for the phone. This phone will be my MP3 player 2.0 since I have been using the same MP3 player for 10 years.


Unconnected Marketeers

I started playing Touhou 18 Unconnected Marketeers again. I think it's one of the easiest games to play on easy mode without dying or bombing, but for the longest time, I thought it was so difficult to play on normal mode that I couldn't ever beat it at all even with continues. Today, I managed to 1CC it on normal mode as Reimu and Sanae, and I got some new cards! Unconnected Marketeers quickly became my favourite Touhou game when it first came out, and it has great replay value.


Rook Downsize

Title. I've had my rook for 7.5 months, and the "swelling" hasn't gotten any worse or better, so I decided that I wanted it downsized now. I got a 1/4 inch bar this time, and my rook shelf is a bit swollen and tender right now, but the redness has disappeared. The original piercer recognized me and said I was wearing the same mask lmao.

I hope that it will heal well from now on.


Mini Cake

My boss bought a mini cake for me today. I'll share it with my family.

We finished Degrassi Junior High, High, and The Next Generation, and we have started watching Next Class yesterday. We already finished a season since the deasons are only 10 episodes long. I didn't have high expectations for the show going in, and it took a while for it to get good, but the buildup to the end of the season was good. Somehow, I didn't expect That Guy to be the one to do That Thing even though the signs were obvious.

I recently checked the price of that one Kusuriuri figure, and they go for at least $500 now which is insane. I remember when I saw the price at $84 and waited longer for the price to drop more only for it to become unavailable. I hope they rerelease this figure or release a new one in time for the movie.

Oh, I also added two shrines to my website, one for Mononoke and one for The Thief and the Cobbler. They use my website's regular layout as a base, but I changed some things about them to make them more unique and fit better with the aesthetics of those media.


Mononoke Movie 2023

I got 100% on my Microbiology final exam which I am very proud of. Now, I have time to work on Summer projects.

A few days ago, I saw the teaser video for the upcoming Mononoke movie, and I got very emotional about it because it was one of the best things to happen to me in 3 years. In this diary entry, I will talk about some theories of what the movie may be about, and I will update this diary entry if I have any other thoughts about it in the next few days.

In the trailer, Kusuriuri seems to have a different colour palette. Either that, or the people who made the animation decided to use different colours to make it look more trippy and cool. Aside from the colours, other differences in his design include his bandana looking more like a beanie, his eyebrows being painted dots rather than his natural little triangles, his eye makeup being more detailed, and his hair being dyed at the tips. Eboy Kusuriuri. This new design suggests to me that this new story might take place in the modern day or any time after the 1980s. It might take place during the 1970s-80s when Japan was in its economic boom, in the 90s-2000s during the rise of the internet and new technology, or in our current time period. I believe it will take place in the 2020s because it will be about 100 years since Bakeneko 2 happened. Whatever the case, I hope and believe that we will get to see a modern reincarnation of Kayo / Chiyo.

The teaser video shows a new design for the sliding doors that has a different design for every arc. The door's design often related to the themes in the story. This door shows a man and a woman and two large serpents with multiple eyes. Large serpents could be the Uwabami yokai which have the power to eat things larger than their bodies (including people), shapeshift into people or objects, control natural disasters, and drink lots of alcohol. On closer inspection though, the sliding door might actually depict Yamata no Orochi, a giant serpent with 8 heads and tails. The man and woman on the door match with art depicting this legendary creature which often features storm god Susanoo no Mikoto and his wife, Kushinadahime. If the sliding door art is relevant to the story, this might just be the mononoke.

There were also some announcements made during the 15th anniversary stream from director Kenji Nakamura that mentioned happiness of the individual vs the happiness of organizations and society not matching. If this announcement has anything to do with the content of the movie, there might be some anticapitalist themes, or the movie might criticize modern Japan's workaholic culture.

The only part of the puzzle I am missing is that every arc revolves around a women's issue, and I don't know enough about Japanese politics or feminism to guess what form of misogyny would cause the formation of a mononoke that is a pressing issue in the current day. The only thing I can think of is about the birthrate which might call back to the Zashiki Warashi arc. Though I can't make any guesses as to what the women's issue may be, I hope they haven't scrapped the concept of every mononoke originating from misogyny.


Lost Teeth #2

The other day, I had a dream where Anrakyr and his roommate were staying in my Grandmother's old room. In the room, his roommate had a sort of terrarium for his pet. While we were all having a conversation sitting on a bed, this long, snakelike ferret jumped out of the terrarium and onto him. It jumped all over the place every 15 seconds. It jumped on me many times.

When it landed on my head, I grabbed its tube-like body with my hand, and it started flailing. I felt its warmth and short hairy texture in the dream. I threw it out as far as I could, but it kept jumping around. The next time it came towards me, I dodged it, and my head hit the wall. Anrakyr and his roommate asked if I was okay, but I felt in my mouth that all my top teeth fell out. At that point, I knew I was dreaming, and I told them I was okay.

My Mom told me that in Viet superstition, having teeth fall out in dreams indicates that something will happen to the family. I've had tooth falling dreams for years, and nothing has happened, so I disproved the superstition.


On JavaScript

Tumblr has banned the use of JavaScript on blogs unless a blog owner contacts Tumblr staff. Unfortunately, my blog theme, my pride and joy that lives on through this Neocities site, uses Javascript, and I happen to despise Tumblr staff.

I've seen many users of the indienet hating on JavaScript, but I'm not sure why. Many of them try to make their pages JSless. I wonder if I could do that.



After two years of trying to find answers to explain my life, I got evaluated by a psychologist, and I was told that I filled every diagnostic criteria of ASD. Every single one. ADHD, GAD, and OCD were ruled out.

I'm not sure what else to say.



Today, I discovered Notpron and tried to play through it. It's a browser riddle game that involves using clues from page sources, images, audio, and URLs. It's really up my alley, and I made it through level 30.

In three days, I might or might not find some important information about myself. Bug sigh.


Rook Update #1

It has officially been half a year since I got my rook piercing. Now, it is less swollen than before, but it hasn't gone back to normal yet. There has never been any red swelling or piercing bumps. However, there have been occasional lymph fluid leaks which are normal in a healing piercing.

I'm trying to get through this one lapse of lymph leaking. I think it'll turn out cleaner and less crusty than the previous times. I can't wait to downsize this thing.



Today, I had training to sit at a desk and do nothing for my new desk job. Since I'll be working during the Summer, not many people will need anything, so work will be easy. I'll also have time to do homework.

I also listened to Touhou LoLK's OST again, and it is really beautiful. I love how each game's music matches with its theme.

I finally finished creating all of the pages of my website, so the only thing left to do is to populate them with information.


I Lost My Teeth Again

I had a dream last night that I lost a tooth again. It's always the same tooth.

In the bathroom, I saw that this tooth was loose. I tried to wiggle it back into place, but it kept getting looser. It ultimately fell out as usual. I texted Anrakyr crying about it.

This tooth has been through a lot in real life. At first, it was my favourite tooth because it had a sharp point that I could play with. I'd take my tongue and press it into the point because I like how it felt. Then, it became sensitive and needed a root canal because it was kinda disconnected. Now, it is a fake tooth, but I still have dreams about it like it's still real.


First Entry

This week, I set up my Neocities website which you are looking at right now.

I had brunch with future coworkers and watched One Piece with Anrakyr yesterday.

Today, I had a good day. I went to Dua's graduation ceremony. I also received all of the materials to build my 3rd keyboard. It's an Alice style board based on Serial Experiments Lain. I ordered it last year and got it in the mail unexpectedly early.